Of Blood, Sex And Elbows
by KhaosKitty
Summary: Bakura, it's physically impossible to lick your own elbow." "No it's not." ONESHOT. Crack-fluff. BxR.


**Title: **Of Blood, Sex And Elbows

**Genre:** Romance/Humor

**Rating: **T for sexual references and language.

**Pairing: **Ryou Bakura and Yami Bakura

**POV: **3rd Person

**Summary: **"Bakura, it's physically impossible to lick your own elbow." "No it's not."

**Authors Notes: **Last week my elbow bled. Last week I was bored. Within the past week I've written this. Go figure. It's crackalicious, baby! There are a lot of dark hints (it doesn't help that I wrote the blood-kiss having just read chapter 40 of nikki7716's A Series Of One Shots - which, by the way, is HOT).

**Disclaimer: **I own Ryou and Bakura as much as Ghandi owns MTV.

-

"Hey Ry-_ow!_"

Bakura had been entering the sitting room where Ryou sat, tucking into a bowl of Coco Pops and channel surfing, when he cut his elbow on the doorframe.

"...Yes, Bakur-ow?"

"I cut myself on the fucking doorframe! Why is that so sharp?"

"Never trust builders, yami, they are deceitful people. What were you going to say anyway?"

"...I can't fucking remember! I blame that door, it's there to rob me of all speech."

"You could do with cutting down on the swearing."

"Hypocrite."

Ryou didn't bother to argue as Bakura sat on the opposite end of the sofa, so Bakura's feet were behind Ryou's head and Ryou's feet were in front of Bakura's neck.

"Hikari, your feet smell."

"No they d - what are you doing?"

Bakura was in an awkward position, his left hand gripping his right shoulder and his right hand forcing his left elbow into his face.

"I'm trying to lick my elbow, it's bleeding."

"Bakura, it's physically impossible to lick your own elbow."

"No it's not." Bakura responded, matter-of-factly.

Ryou blinked, unsure of how he could so blindly disagree with science.

"Yes it is. It's been proven by scientists."

"Then they were wrong." he retaliated, calmly.

Ryou gritted his teeth, he was just as stubborn as Bakura and he wasn't going to lose the argument.

"No they weren't, ask anyone. Books, the internet, penguin wrappers, it's completely impossible."

"Either you're lying or they're wrong. Take your pick."

"Neither. I could prove it to you right now."

"Go on."

"Can't be bothered."

"You just know it isn't true."

"It _is_ true Bakura and _you fucking know it!!_"

Ryou huffed in rage.

He knew it was stupid, arguing about elbows with someone who clearly didn't have a valid argument.

But he couldn't help it, Bakura was being _so_ annoying!

And Bakura calling him a liar, that was far worse than being told his feet smell a hundred times.

"...Why? Why are you arguing with me?" Ryou mumbled into his lap, bearing strong resembalance to a beaten puppy.

Bakura looked up from his elbow to see his hikari looking more upset than he had expected.

He leant over and kissed Ryou's cheek, then broke the contact and peered into his chocolate brown eyes.

Ryou dragged his eyes up, and saw Bakura's features read 'GUILTY'.

"I'm sorry Ryou. I like arguing with you - seeing you all wound up is cute - but I didn't want to hurt you. Seriously, sorry."

Ryou couldn't help but smile then,

"It's okay, we're both as bad as eachother."

Bakura raised an eyebrow,

"Okay, fine, maybe you're a little worse," he giggled.

Bakura grinned, glad to have been forgiven and making a mental note not to argue with Ryou anymore, unless necessary.

And to steal all his underwear, to balance out the sappiness.

"I'm going to lick my elbow though, I'll prove science wrong."

"Why do you want to lick your elbow so badly anyway?"

"For the blood."

Ryou blinked,

"Why do you like blood?"

"Funny habit, really. Always used to lick my dagger clean after a good stabbing."

Bakura snickered at Ryou's shocked expression.

"Ew, 'Kura! What if one of those people had a disease?"

"_I_ don't have a disease, do I?"

"You'd better not."

"Ryou, you _know_ I don't. Otherwise you'd have one too."

"But we have seperate bodies now, why would... oh."

"Talk about naive, you forgot about STIs didn't you hikari?" Bakura smirked.

"Oh shut up, just because _I _don't know everything about every aspect of sex."

"Well, five thousand years will do that to you."

Ryou wrinkled his nose,

"Euch, it's like I'm going out with a pervy old man."

"Hey, I've only spent seventeen of those years outside that tin can."

Bakura shot a bitter scowl at the Sennen Ring, that he knew hung beneath Ryou's shirt.

"It's weird when you glare at my stomach. Anyway, enough about sex, back onto blood. Y'know, we have the most pleasant conversations."

Bakura stopped outstretching his tongue, hoping to reach the beacon of glory that was his elbow, and cackled at Ryou's sarcasm.

"Well, if I can't have anyone elses blood - which I can't, and don't want to anymore - I'm sure as hell not wasting mine."

"So what you're saying is... you're blood-thirsty?"

"Yeah."

Ryou knelt up and leant into Bakura as Bakura had done to him earlier, only said yami was too enthralled with his elbow to return his hikari's gaze.

"That's kind of... sexy. In an evil way. The blood-thirstiness."

Bakura raised an eyebrow and averted his scarlet eyes to Ryou, managing to communicate 'what the fuck, Ryou?' with his tongue almost falling out of his mouth with the effort he was putting into his elbow business.

The hikari studied this strange scene, and came up with quite a clever idea.

"I'm pretty sure you could lick your elbow..." he purred, "I know just how far that tongue can reach."

His yami instantly stopped and turned to his 'innocent' hikari, his expression a mixture of embarassment and disbelief.

"Ryou?!"

Ryou took this golden oppurtunity to sieze Bakura's lower arm and licked the blood off his wenus **A/N I said WENUS, not PENIS --;** then captured his lips.

Caught off guard, it took Bakura a few seconds to respond, but then kissed back roughly.

He invaded Ryou's soft lips and began to fiercely search every blood soaked crevice - all the sweeter his hikari's mouth - kissing Ryou senseless and making his head spin and forget how to breathe.

Sadly, this was what broke the seemingly endless kiss.

"Mn... mmf... mnmph!"

Brought back to reality, Bakura quickly backed away.

"Sorry..." he grinned sheepishly.

Ryou's lips were wet and bruised and had the faintest hint of blood, as well as a thin crimson trail that had escaped Bakura's feast and was now dribbling from the corner of his mouth.

The hikari was flushed and regaining his breath when he noticed this and flicked his tongue to lap up the scarlet liquid.

"Not bad, I can see how you could go so nuts for this stuff." he said, followed by a smile so sweet, it was past even Bakura how it could match the hikari's statement.

Bakura smirked,

"You could be the cutest vampire in history..."

Ryou giggled away any worries of oncoming sadism Bakura had gained from his hikari's sudden taste for blood.

"I doubt it."

The two spent a few moments in sweet silence before Ryou averted his eyes to his yami's elbow again.

He stood up and grasped Bakura's hand, trying - and failing - to pull him up.

"Come on, let's get a plaster for your elbow, yam-_ow!_"

"Sorry, hikar-ow?"

"I cut myself on the fucking doorframe!"

-

Yeah - it's pretty damn cracky. xDD

Please review. :3


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